Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab
📚 Shelf: Boundaries · Relationships · Self-Worth
What's This About?
If you've ever known you needed a boundary but immediately followed that thought with "But what if they're upset with me?" - this one's for you.
In Set Boundaries, Find Peace, therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab takes something we talk about constantly in therapy (boundaries) and makes it surprisingly concrete. Because "set better boundaries" sounds great until you're actually sitting there trying to figure out:
What is my boundary?
How the hell do I say it?
And what do I do when someone doesn't like it?
Tawwab walks through what healthy boundaries actually look like, how to recognize when they're missing, and how to communicate your needs clearly rather than hoping everyone around you develops telepathy.
One thing I particularly appreciate is that she doesn't limit boundaries to saying "no." The book looks at physical, emotional, intellectual, sexual, material, and time boundaries, and connects boundary difficulties to patterns like overcommitting, resentment, avoidance, burnout, and relationship conflict.
Is It Worth My Time?
Yes, especially if you understand boundaries intellectually but have a much harder time actually setting them.
This isn't a book that spends 200 pages convincing you boundaries are important. It's practical, direct, and refreshingly specific. Tawwab gives readers language for identifying what isn't working, communicating what they need, and, importantly, figuring out what happens after the boundary is communicated.
Saying the boundary is only part of it; maintaining it is usually where things become challenging.
You'll probably get the most out of it if you tend to:
say yes when you want to say no
feel responsible for other people's reactions
overextend yourself and then resent it
avoid difficult conversations because you don't want to create conflict
assume people should just know what you need
or feel really guilty once you finally advocate for yourself
One of the book's strengths is that it turns "boundaries" from a vague wellness buzzword into something behavioral. Boundary-setting involves both communication and action: telling someone what you need and then behaving consistently with the limit you've established.
You read that right: a boundary isn't just, "Please don't do that."
It's also, "And here's what I'm going to do if it keeps happening."
So…therapy?
Therapy, indeed; she’s a helpful tool in this case.
Boundaries come up in therapy constantly, even when nobody walks in saying, "I'd like to work on my boundaries."
Boundaries love to cosplay as:
Resentment
People-pleasing
Burnout
Conflict avoidance
Feeling responsible for everyone else's emotions
Knowing exactly what you want to say and then immediately talking yourself out of saying it
What I like about this book is that it gives you language and structure for something therapy can then explore more deeply. This book can help you identify what the boundary might be, while therapy can help us get curious about why setting it feels so fucking hard.
Maybe saying no brings up guilt. Maybe someone's disappointment feels intolerable. Maybe you've learned that being easygoing, useful, accommodating, or low-maintenance is how you stay connected to people. That's often where the real work begins.
🧘 STRETCH BREAK!
Drop those shoulders
Unclench your jaw
Relax your tongue
Stretch your neck
Take one deep breath in + repeat after me:
“I am worthy of saying no”
(yes, I know it’s hard to believe but I want you to say it anyway)
Now sloooowly exhale
Great! Let’s get back to it.
📌 My Take
I recommend this book pretty frequently for a reason. It's accessible without being overly simplistic, practical without turning relationships into a list of scripts, and compassionate about the fact that knowing you need a boundary and actually setting one are two very different things.
The part I'd add more nuance to is this: a perfectly communicated boundary doesn't guarantee a perfectly receptive response.
You can be clear, kind, and you can communicate beautifully…and someone can still be disappointed, defensive, angry, or unwilling to respect it. That doesn't automatically mean you communicated it incorrectly; for people who are used to measuring whether they've "done something wrong" by how other people react, that distinction is huge.
Boundaries aren't about finding the magical combination of words that ensures nobody ever gets upset with you. They're about becoming clearer about what you need, what you're willing to participate in, and what you'll do when something isn't working for you.
Sometimes the boundary isn't the hard part; it's tolerating the fact that someone else gets to have feelings about it.
Pair It With
🫖 Why Do I Feel Guilty Every Time I Put Myself First?
One helps you set the boundary. The other helps you understand why you feel so damn guilty afterward.
☕ Keep the Conversation Going
Not ready for therapy? That's okay.
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A quick note: The recommendations shared in Book Club are meant to supplement therapy - not replace it. Think of them as thoughtful companions to the work we do together. Take what resonates, leave what doesn't, and remember that no book knows you the way a real therapeutic relationship can.